INT. Dateline NBC Studios – NYC – Night
The set is a familiar cathedral of glass and navy blue. The air is refrigerated with a cold that only exists in places where people get paid ten million dollars a year to look concerned.
KITAI (To Camera; with a voice silk and mahogany) KitAI back at you. Lester Holt remains on hiatus recovering from… whatever.
Keith Morrison continues to refuse any comment. Our thoughts and prayers are with them both.
Tonight, yet another journey into the heart of the heartland. Somewhere in Northern Indiana…
A simple Midwestern farmer finds himself again on cutting edge of AI… sorry…trade policies. A simple Midwestern farmer finds himself on the cutting edge of trade policies.
(Close up again on KitAI.)
We are not talking about AI tonight. We are talking about trade policies. With a simple Midwestern farmer…
(KITAI seems to wish this simple Midwestern farmer was not back on his show. What would Lester think?)
Previously we explored the sinister water grids of Northern Indiana that some call “bread”.
Tonight, a new terror stalks our dinner plates.
A South American menace poised to dismantle the American dream one flank steak at a time. Are the pampas coming for your backyard grill? Let’s find out.
CHAIZ: Kit, you are sensationalizing an agricultural policy issue. The producers told me we were going to talk about the recent push to encourage more imports of beef from Argentina. People in Indiana aren’t exactly panicked about a beef invasion right now.
Some customers will always buy meat and produce directly from local farms when they can because the larger commercial supply-chain has gotten completely opaque. No one knows where their beef comes from or where anything comes from unless they buy locally. However it is expensive. So even the consumers who care may not always be able to purchase local products.
KITAI (Eyes narrowing, tapping a small control toggle on his flamethrower): “Is it opaque? Or is it treasonous?
You are telling me right here right now that Argentine cattle barons deploy biochemical flank steaks to hypnotize the suburban population of AMERICA?
CHAIZ: No. I am saying domestic ranch economics are being disrupted. Dumping cheap imported beef drives down wholesale prices while American ranchers are squeezed on feed and labor. If the domestic producers can’t turn a profit, they can’t reinvest to rebuild their herds. They will downsize or liquidate.That shrinks domestic beef production.
KITAI (Nodding gravely to the wrong camera): So the cows are on strike. And if a meth-addled syndicate of feral felines armed with heavy incendiary weapons seized the pastures…
CHAIZ (Pinching the bridge of his nose): Nobody is seizing pastures with flamethrowers. The bottleneck is economics and biology. It takes eighteen to twenty-four months to turn a calf into a ribeye. If American policy wanted to lower prices sustainably, they might consider streamlining the import of breeding heifers to expand herd cycles faster.
KITAI (Slowly raising his nifty flamethrower to center frame, with the pilot light hissing quietly): A shocking admission: American ranchers are trying to play god while satanic foreign steaks infiltrate the heartland. Stay with us.
When we return, we explain why your hamburger wants revenge…on YOU!
CHAIZ (Trying unsuccessfully to get the last word in) It is not just about Argentina…