Prologue
There is an essential question which every mortal paradigm must face. Ill-considered the question is subject to ridicule by cruel cruel fate. The desire to act will follow regardless. Greatness almost seems to be a function of publicity. Only the postulation of a divine element could negate these shortcomings. And one must never forget the unfettered hand of outrageous fortune.
signsone
(The house is opened to an unclosed curtain and a fully lit bare stage. ONE sits silently on a folding chair situated in the exact spritual center of the stage for at least 60 seconds after the houselights are dimmed.)
ONE: “To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…”
(Upon mention, OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE intrudes wearing a sign that says “Hi! I’m OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE” in large nondescript lettering. OF walks imperiously over to ONE to violently interrupt the action.)
OF: I say that I take grievous, GRIEVOUS offense at your speech! Pitifully pithy prosy! Think! THINK! Your words, tney threaten me to those, the brave bowels of benign bathocity! I said “bathocity”! SIMPLETON !!!
(A very pregnant pause ensues)
ONE: Who are you?
OF: You are a simpleton! A MALICIOUSLY ILLITERATE SIMPLETON!
ONE: (Reading OF’s sign) You are OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE?
OF: I AM OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE.
ONE: What do you want?
OF: What do you want?
ONE: I don’t want anything.
OF: How about a set? You have forgotten the set.
ONE: What set? This is an art play. So what sort of thing are you looking for?
OF: A…forest.
ONE: That’s easy enough. (Calling offstage) Can we get a forest out here?
VOICE OFF STAGE: A what?
ONE: A forest, you know, trees.
VOS: Oh you want trees. (Not to ONE) We got any trees back here?
(Presently there is much commotion heard back stage. People are babbling “tree?”, “some ONE wants trees?, “why trees” etc. After a while a number of actors and actresses walk on stage each wearing a large sign that reads “HI! I’M A TREE” in large nondescript lettering. They arrange themselves about the stage as any forest might.)
ONE: This is truly a beautiful forest…a veritable array of deciduous pleasures…very inspiring…very moving…
I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree
Poems are made by fools like me
But only god can make a tree.
OF: You blithering idiot! Only god can make a tree… but god isn’t here yet. (ONE looks very confused) God is late! If only god can make a tree and god is not yet here, then who made these trees? This “forest” of yours is nonexistent.
ONE: (Very worried.) My, my, my, my, my…so we do have a bit of a problem here.
OF: This is not my problem.
ONE: How can I get rid of these trees if they don’t exist? I could clear them off stage, but nothing is even worse than non-existence. It is a matter of principles.
OF: Just change them.
ONE: I couldn’t change my principles.
OF: (With obvious contempt) Then change the set.
ONE: (Calling off stage) I’d like to trade in these trees.
VOS: I thought you liked the forest.
ONE: Don’t you realize these trees are nonexistent. We can’t have nonexistence on this stage. Forests are not nonexistent and yet when I asked you for a forest you sent me trees.
VOS: What would you like me to do?
ONE: I would like you to change these trees into something else.
VOS: Like what?
ONE: I don’t care as long as these are not trees?
VOS: Not trees? You want these to be not trees? Why didn’t you say so in the first place. That’s easy. Okay…Now!
(Now all the trees flip over their signs so that they read “Hi! I’m NOT A TREE” in large nondescript lettering)
VOS: Are you happy now?
ONE: I’m not sure.
VOS: It’s the best I could do on short notice.
ONE: I really have to get on with the play.
VOS: That’s probably a good idea.
ONE: Yes ladies and gentlemen, as fate implies a deterministic mechanism to guide it, so plays imply plots. As such I have the great honor of introducing you to the very foundation of tonights offering.
(A very, very, very, very pregnant pause.)
ONE: (Calling offstage in a conspiratorial tone). You’ve forgotten to send out the plot. Without a plot there is no play. Without a play we’re in big trouble. We have obligations.
OF: (Laughing maniacally) How dare you so frivolously abuse the unfettered hand of fate. I am OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE. I am the end.
ONE: What was that?
OF: Foreshadowing.
(With visible effort, ONE proceeds to ignore OF)
ONE: (Calling offstage) The plot was supposed to be here already.
VOS: You think you have problems. Just a few minutes ago I thought I was a unified entity. At peace and in harmony with my world. Now I’ve discovered not a simple dichotomy of being but that I am actually seventy two beings. I am the living embodiment of a full blown seventy-twotomy. It is a pretty disturbing experience.
(Now a plant in the audience stands up.)
AUDIENCE PLANT: I don’t mean to be rude but I’m getting sick of this.
ONE: Yes…well…everything is under control. Please sit down.
AP: No. You are not running me. I’m in the audience. I came to enjoy a pleasant evening in the theater. I expected to be entertained. I am not entertained, I am bored. I am also sure I am not alone. We expected signing, dancing or at the very least a clever story about interesting people. Instead we get a…a…a forest? And now we don’t even have that. All we have is a very boring mess.
ONE: I could sing if you like.
AP: It wouldn’t help. I could leave anytime I want and you would have no say in the matter. It doesn’t matter why I don’t leave right now but there are others who should.
ONE: Why don’t they.
AP: They’re being too goddamn polite, that’s why.
(Thunder thunders through the theater)
VOS: Excuse me…I think the plot has arrived.
(Enter the JANITOR. JAN carries an envelope in a gloved hand extended as far as possible from the face.)
JAN: Is this a play or something. None told me about no play. When do you think it will be over?
ONE: I am in control of everything. The play will be over when I say it is.
JAN: Do you think that will be anytime soon?
ONE: Fear not my friend.
(JAN leaves unsatisfied. ONE opens the envelope and reads the piece of paper enclosed.)
ONE: You are about to witness a show which continues in the tradition of many great shows before it. So many that any attempt at a comprehensive list would quickly become tedious. The plot is as dark and nefarious as man himself. It is concerns murder.
(The not-trees are very pleased. A general commotion breaks out among them. Noisemakers and other party favors are used indiscriminately along with a large amount of confetti. ONE is very pleased.)
ONE: This is a topic rooted very deeply in the traditions of the human race.
AP: (Stands up) Wait a minute! This was going to be an art play. Murder isn’t very progressive.
ONE: The progress springs by doing away with pretense and hypocrisy. We have yet to do anything theatrical and the first act is more than half over. The murder will not be complicated by any sort of “story”.
AP: That is progressive. (Sits down.)
ONE: And now, without further ado…I give you the play.
(ONE looks pleased with themself until realizing something is missing)
ONE: (Calling off-stage) I need a victim.
VOS: Where am I going to find somebody at this hour? Won’t it affect the story if I send out the wrong person.
ONE: You haven’t been paying attention.
VOS: I’m afraid not. I was watching television. So the authors still haven’t thought of a story? Those crazy guys. (Chuckles)
ONE: Find someone unimportant.
(A fish bowl slides across from offstage, ideally stopping right in front of ONE’s feed. ONE looks at it for a moment before picking it up incredulously.)
ONE: What is this?
VOS: You said it didn’t matter…
ONE: How can I be expected to murder a fish on stage.
OF: Just take it out of the water.
ONE: No one told me anything about fish in this play.
OF: I knew it. You only agreed to participate to satisfy some base narcissistic desire. It indicts the doldrous degenerecy of western civilization as we know it.
ONE: I don’t even know what that means.
OF: (Once again standing up to speak to ONE.) I do hate to interrupt you again but it is my duty to inform you I don’t think anyone here really cares whether or not you want to kill the fish, let alone the moral implications of your decision. I do care that I have been waiting for something to happen for a very long time and so far nothing much has happened. In the interests of entertainment I order you to KILL THE FISH!!! (AP sits down.)
ONE: Who is going to be entertained by the death of a fish?
AP: (Standing yet again.) No one has been entertained by anything else in this play. Why should you stop now?
ONE: (Putting his hand over his brow dramatically as OF retreats into the shadows.) Very well. It is is murder the masses call for then who am I to hold back the swelling tides of public will. (The lights dim except for a spot on ONE.) I wash my hands of the whole affair. (ONE washes them in the fishbowl.) Let history say what it will, my conscience is clean. (ONE draws the fish from the bowl and holds it dramatically in the air). This creature’s end has come. What a piece of work is…a fish. How noble in reason.
(ONE then swallows the fish whole. There is a beat for a few seconds after which the door at the back of the theater crashes open. When the door opens all lights snap to full. An obviously distraught person wearing no sign enters.)
DISTRAUGHT PERSON: You bastard!
(DP walks down the center aisle or its equivalent with a measured violence focused on ONE. DP climbs on the stage and confronts ONE with a look of utter and complete hatred. After a very uncomfortable moment DP draws back their hand and ONE with unrestrained violence across the stage with tremendous force.)
DP: You bastard!!
(DP walks over to ONE who is sprawled on the ground obviously terrified.)
DP: How could you be so cruel?
ONE: (Screaming in a cracked voice.) SECURITY!
DP: (Circling ONE) SECURITY? Do you really expect SECURITY to help you? (Overcome with grief.) How complacent we are…just when you think you’re safe…some inhumane sadist c…cuts your tenuous thread to life… (DP is now sobbing pathetically.)
ONE: Does this have anything to do with the fish I just ate? There is nothing to get so distraught over, it was only a fish.
DP: (Turning back to ONE and speaking with great emotion and a twinge of desperation.) Only a fish? Only a fish! THAT FISH WAS MY WIFE!
ONE: (Taken aback) That’s impossible. A person can’t be married to a fish.
DP: We were married in a previous life.
ONE: You mean that fish was a person in another lifetime?
DP: No. I mean I was once a fish!
(DP runs off the stage screaming and flees through the back of the house.)
ONE: That person was mad. This play is about murder not madness.
OF: Wrong again. There has been no murder in this play.
ONE: Didn’t you see what I did to that fish.
OF: The fish doesn’t count. To quote Webster’s New World Dictionary.
murder is “the unlawful and malicious killing of one human being by another; also any killing done while committing a felony such as rape or robbery.”
Since the killing must be of one human being by another, one of the two parties is conspicuously absent in the fish scenario. There has been no murder in this play.
ONE: That wish was married to someone who later became a human being. I’ve got a witness.
OF: If you had raped the fish we might have got you off on a technicality?
ONE: Are you trying to tell me I have to kill someone else?
OF: It would seem so.
ONE: It would seem so? I don’t believe it. (Calling offstage) Hey you with the trees. I need someone else to be murdered.
VOS: Sorry, I nodded off for a minute. Are you some kind of pervert!
ONE: If you had been paying attention you would know I am not a murderer.
VOS: Then what happened to the fish?
ONE: I need a human victim. If there really are seventy-two of you back there I would think at least one of you would care enough about this play to be murdered.
VOS: I’ll see what I can do.
(Presently a person walks out on stage wearing a sign with very small print.)
NUMBER 72: I’m number 72, I’ve been sent.
ONE: That was quick. Why don’t you make your sign bigger so that ONE can read it?
#72: It’s not my fault you are illiterate. Being #72 isn’t something to brag about. You never hear people walking around saying “I’m number 72!” anymore.
ONE: Welcome to the play.
#72: Thank you. What exactly do I have to do. I haven’t been paying attention.
ONE: #72 you are the most important figure in the entire play. You are the subject of the plot. You are going to be murdered.
#72: Murdered?
ONE: Isn’t it exciting?
#72: Not if you’re the one being murdered. It’s not the same thing. It’s different. It’s like a chicken getting excited about what dishes will be served next to it.
ONE: The show must go on. Kindly, prepare for your demise.
#72: Right now? What about the love scene. I was told there was going to be a love seen. That’s the only reason I came out.
ONE: In the interests of progress we’ve done away with all that stuff.
#72: I don’t want to die.
ONE: You are the seventy second of seventy two. Like you said it is nothing to brag about.
#72: It doesn’t mean I want to die.
ONE: The audience wants to see it.
#72: Let them turn on the television. I saw three murders in a half hour backstage.
ONE: Think about what death will do for your reputation. You can be on a postage stamp. If you die now you will no longer be #72, instead you will be #1. The #1 dier.
#72: I do like the sound of that. One thing, since there won’t be a love scene, could you arrange a better atmosphere for my death? I don’t want to be remembered dying in a grove of pseudo-trees. I’m not hard to please.
VOS: (To #72) Are you really going to let yourself be killed? I could whip up a nice city if you like.
#72: That would be fine.
VOS: Right. (To the pseudo-trees.) All right, everyone over here. (The set walks offstage) I’ll have it rigged up in a second. My pleasure.
ONE: Do you have any preferences on the means I employ to kill you?
#72: Your bare hands would do.
ONE: That can be arranged. (Calling offstage.) Hurry up with that city already.
(The “forest” returns, now wearing signs that say: “Hi! I’M A BUILDING”)
ONE: Are you ready?
#72: A city seems like such a natural place to die in.
ONE: I now present for your philosophic viewing pleasure “The Murder of #72”.
#72: Oooh! I like that!
(ONE jumps on #72 in an explosion of light strangling #72 an shouting “murder”. #72 crumples to the floor. After it is obvious that #72 is dead a person walks on stage wearing a sign that reads “HI! I’M THE VOICE OFFSTAGE” and replaces #72’s sign. Wearing the new sign #72 gets up and shakes off the dust.)
ONE: What are you doing?
#72: I’m dusting myself off.
ONE: But you are dead.
#72: I am dead.
ONE: Dead people don’t dust themselves. It spoils the effect. Get down. I am ONE.
#72: I am ONE too. Just like you said I would be. It says so on my sign. Oh it’s backwards.
(#72 flips over his no sign which reads: “HI! I’M #1 DIER”)
#72: And my mother thought I’d never make anything of myself. If she could see me now. I’m better than everyone. I’m number one.
ONE: There can only be one ONE.
#72: You brought this upon yourself. It’s not my fault if you did something impossible.
ONE: If you really are ONE then prove it.
#72: No. I don’t want to. I know I’m number one. I don’t have to prove myself to any ONE.
ONE: If there can be two ONEs then nothing is certain. I could be an armadillo.
(At that VOS enters and puts a sign on ONE who is too bewildered to do anything about it. The sign reads “HI! I’M AN ARMADILLO”.)
ONE: What’s this?
VOS: You wanted to be an armadillo.
ONE: I was being silly. I didn’t mean for you to turn me into an armadillo.
VOS: Bring on a forest, get rid of the forest, find someone who wants to be murdered, find someone else to be murdered, get a city out here. How am I supposed to tell?
ONE: You oaf! Turn me back into ONE.
VOS: You are not in a position to go around demanding things are you…armadillo.
ONE: I don’t want to be an armadillo.
VOS: Think of these things before you start ordering people around.
ONE: Who put you up to this? (To OF) It was you wasn’t it.
VOS: No one puts me up to anything. I only did what was asked.
(Exit VOS.)
ONE: I don’t want to be an armadillo. Armadillos never have fun. No one likes armadillos.
(ONE goes over and grovels at the knees of #72, now #1 DIER)
ONE: If you really are #1 then you can turn me back.
OF: That will have to wait until later. It’s intermission.
ONE: The first act can’t be over yet.
OF: But it is. Everyone can go out for popcorn now.
(The buildings let out a gratified cry and walk off stage and out of the house to get popcorn.)
ONE: I don’t think armadillos like popcorn. It isn’t fair.
OF: We will return in fifteen minutes.
ONE: I don’t want to wait fifteen minutes. I want to be changed back right now!
(Fade to black)
ONE: This isn’t fair at all.
(Curtain)
abridged text. copyright by original owners. provided by no charge for educational purposes.