This fever dream was inspired by a short improvisation from The Moonitics.
Main Characters
DONNIE CRANE – A wannabe nightclub impresario wearing a cheap suit smelling like stale cigars and blind ambition.
PIPPER PIPPER – The legacy stage manager.
The Talent
HOLLYDAY INN – wants to be a star
VALENTINEDAY CARD – wants to be a star
LA-BORDAY PAY – wants to be a star with benefits
SUNNYDAY DELIGHT – is already a star
GOUNDHOGDAY LOOP – eventually you will get the joke
[SCENE START]
(Work lights illuminate the empty stage of “The Birdcage.” A plastic banner reads “UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT – GENTLEMEN’S CLUB GRAND RE-OPENING COMING SOON.” DONNIE CRANE walks in purposefully and surveys the nightclub with all the enthusiasm of a new owner who paid way over market value. PIPPER follows behind nervously holding a clipboard and trying to stay back.)
DONNIE: Look at the square footage Pipper! I got this place a song Pipper. The previous owners “moved to Palm Springs”. That is real estate talk for “we got out alive.” This is real estate gold. We just need to get rid of whatever dusty nonsense they were doing before. Clearly it wasn’t making enough money.
PIPPER: This was the pillar of the drag community.
DONNIE: I paid big bucks for this. I don’t care if it was a puppet show. We are turning this into the world’s most famous heterosexual strip club for men. No gimmicks and no politics. We have the location, we have the lighting, we have the tables, we have the bathrooms. Don’t be a drag Pipper. All we need is talent. Let the audition’s begin!
PIPPER: First we have Hollyday.
DONNIE: Holly Day! I love it! Festive!
(PIPPER brings in HOLLYDAY wearing tinsel.)
DONNIE: Holly Day! I am pleased to meet you. I am going to make you a star. A big star. A big big star.
HOLLYDAY: Thank you. I have always wanted to be a star. I hand out complimentary continental breakfast muffins during my act. They are included in my rate.
DONNIE: Breakfast muffins? Are you putting me on?
HOLLYDAY: No Mr. Crane. My name is Hollyday and my last name is Inn.
DONNIE: Inn what?
HOLLYDAY: As in Holyday Inn.
DONNIE: Alright sweetheart I am going to make you a star! A big big star. Pipper bring in the next candidate.
PIPPER: Of course. Meet Valentinesday
(VALENTINEDAY steps out wearing a sandwich board sign reading “I LOVE YOU ALL” and aggressively handing out candy hearts to the audience.)
DONNIE: I love it. Very interactive. Tell me beautiful, what’s up with the sandwich board sign?
VALENTINEDAY: My first name is Valentineday and my last name is Card. And I give everyone a little piece of my heart.
PIPPER: (to DONNIE) Luckily we have a strict no-refund policy.
DONNIE: Alright sweetheart I am going to make you a star! A big big star. An emotionally available star. Pipper bring in the next candidate.
PIPPER: (sighing) Next we have La-Borday.
(LA-BORDAY strides on with a high-visibility orange safety vest, carrying a union placard that reads “MORE GLUTE, LESS COMMUTE” blowing a foreman’s whistle to the irritation of the audience.)
DONNIE: Talk about work ethic! This is the stuff of executive fantasy dreams. Tell me are you unionized?
LA-BORDAY: Eight hour shifts, mandatory breaks, and double time on Sunnydays and holidays. I don’t work without benefits.
DONNIE: That is music to my ears. Except the double time. And the benefits. And the breaks. And the part where you tell me what to do on Sunnydays. We don’t got no benefits or no breaks and don’t pay no double time not even on Sunnydays.
LA-BORDAY: My last name is Pay and I expect double time on Sunnydays and holidays.
(LA-BORDAY looks hostile.)
DONNIE: Alright sweetheart I am going to make you a star! A big big star. Benefits are negotiable but stardom is mandatory. Pipper bring in the next candidate.
PIPPER: Next up meet SUNNYDAYS.
(SUNNYDAYS walks on stage with sunglasses, a parasol, and as many lights as can practically be put on their outfit.)
DONNIE: Wow. Turn down the brightness. You are so optimistic. So cheerful. There is no end to the profits I can make.
SUNNYDAYS: Thank you. I bring warmth and UV protection and a 30% chance of afternoon showers to every lap dance. My last name is Delight as in delighted to meet you Donnie.
DONNIE: Sunnydays Delight?
(PIPPER groans)
DONNIE: Alright sweetheart I am going to make you a star! A big big star.
SUNNYDAYS: I always wanted to be a star. But you will have to pay me and La-borday double time when we work on each other. It is in our union contract.
DONNIE: You drive a hard bargain. We will deal with the heat when the union finds out. Pipper bring in the next candidate.
PIPPER: Moving right along. This is our last candidate for today…meet Groundhogday!
(GROUNDHOGDAY enters wearing some sort of ridiculous fur suit and scurries around the stage like a groundhog.)
DONNIE: Pipper, I don’t know about this one.
PIPPER: Their last name is Loop.
DONNIE: Groundhogday Loop?
PIPPER: Yes, think of the recurring revenue.
(DONNIE thinks about the recurring revenue.)
DONNIE: This is a performer who will never need no new act. Same act every night.
(PIPPER shakes their head.)
DONNIE: I tell you what. You are all hired. I am going to make you all stars. Big stars. Big big stars. Come back tomorrow for opening night. Assuming you do some great work out their I will pay you a mostly fair wage.
(The talent all are very excited as they run off stage.)
DONNIE: (yelling after them) But no benefits and no double time you hear me?!
DONNIE: Pipper, we will make this world’s most famous gentlemen’s club. There is just one thing that bothers me.
(DONNIE looks thoughtful.)
DONNIE: What bothers me is the name. “The Birdcage.” It is just not on the money. “The Birdcage” doesn’t penetrate the market. It lacks market penetration for a heterosexual strip club. We need a new name. A rebranding that screams high end luxury. Something to attract sophisticated gentlemen with deep pockets. Something European…
(PIPPER braces for disaster.)
DONNIE: I know. We will call it “La Cage aux Folles.”
(DONNIE grabs PIPPER and gestures with a sweeping motion)
DONNIE: “La Cage aux Folles.” That is original. It is the perfect name for a heterosexual strip club.
PIPPER: (to the audience) I know why the caged bird sings.
(PIPPER stares into the middle distance and slowly moves the clipboard to cover their face.)