This fever dream was inspired by a short improvisation from The REES Players.
Characters
JOEY BRICK – A stressed contractor
ARTIE SHOVEL – An experienced laborer
[SCENE START]
(JOEY BRICK stands center stage, frantically tapping on an tablet and occasionally staring directly into the theatre lights at an massive condominium skyscraper that precariously leans to the left.)
(At the back of the stage, ARTIE SHOVEL casually rests both hands on an shovel planted firmly on the floor.)
JOEY BRICK: (Screaming into the void but mostly at ARTIE SHOVEL) This massive condominium skyscraper! It’s leaning twenty meters to the left!! This is not good Artie. Artie!!!
(ARTIE SHOVEL approaches JOEY BRICK at center stage.)
JOEY BRICK: Look at this Artie. What did you do with the foundation?
ARTIE SHOVEL: I don’t know about whatever it is about your metro-whatevers that makes you so upset. I used my dang old shovel for this foundation like I always do. Old Bessie.
(ARTIE SHOVEL proudly displays the shovel known as Old Bessie.)
ARTIE SHOVEL: You know Old Bessie and me built this here foundation and we did a fair job for the fair wage.
JOEY BRICK: This is not good. This massive condominium skyscraper is leaning twenty meters to the left.
ARTIE SHOVEL: I think this massive condominium skyscraper has what you might call a “European” flair. I reckon it is only about sixty feet off of the square. I would call that within your dang old margin of error. It is still in the center…more or less.
JOEY BRICK: This massive condominium skyscraper is leaning twenty meters to the left. It is a billion dollar project. This is not good. It can’t be safe like this…no one will buy into it…
(JOEY BRICK is visibly upset.)
ARTIE SHOVEL: As you know, I built this here old massive condominium skyscraper foundation with Old Bessie. Old Bessie is my grandaddy’s grandaddy’s heirloom trenching shovel.
(ARTIE SHOVEL again displays the shovel known as Old Bessie with pride.)
ARTIE SHOVEL: Old Bessie has always come through for all things foundational. Never failed. No siree. Me and Old Bessie and foundations have not and will not ever fail. Old Bessie is a great shovel.
(JOEY BRICK is crying.)
ARTIE SHOVEL: I do admit, Old Bessie has always been a bit left handed.
JOEY BRICK: (though the tears) How can a shovel be left handed?
ARTIE SHOVEL: As you know, I am right handed, but Old Bessie is left handed. So, not everything is guaranteed to be on your European line. You knew that when you hired me.
JOEY BRICK: (confused) How can you call this European? Are their left handed shovels in Europe? Are their left handed shovels anywhere?
ARTIE SHOVEL: All I know for dang sure is that Old Bessie done cut through a few of those fiber optic whatchamacallits on this job. Old Bessie don’t care much for all those fiber optic whatchamacallits.
(JOEY BRICK is nonplussed and not comforted by this. ARTIE SHOVEL continues to make the point.)
ARTIE SHOVEL: You knew Old Bessie don’t like all those fiber optic whatchamacallits when you hired me. We been working together a long time now Joey…you know what Old Bessie is like.
JOEY BRICK: (starting to recover) The fiber optics we can reconnect, that is not a problem. But this massive condominium skyscraper is leaning to the left by twenty meters. That is a big problem.
ARTIE SHOVEL: I know it seems to be a little out of your metro square. But, like I said, it being such a massive condominium skyscraper and all I am sure it is within the margin of your so called error. It just looks all European like to me.
JOEY BRICK: (desperate) I need ideas… I need ideas. Here’s an idea. We could ask the tenants to simply stay on the right side of this massive condominium skyscraper.
(ARTIE SHOVEL looks at JOEY BRICK quizzically.)
JOEY BRICK: (more deperate) We just ask the tenants to stay away from the left side and stay towards the right side as much as possible…The weight on the right side will equalize the foundation eventually. That could work…maybe…maybe that would work…
(JOEY BRICK is in tears again, fearing for his highly paid job.)
JOEY BRICK: I won’t lose my job….I can’t lose my job.
ARTIE SHOVEL: That’s one idea Joey.
(ARTIE SHOVEL considers the idea and looks thoughtful.)
(Meanwhile JOEY BRICK”s tablet starts buzzing incessantly and when JOEY BRICK eventually reads all the new messages it is taken with great relief.)
ARTIE SHOVEL: Well Joey, now I am thinking. We have worked together a dang old long time now. If it were me and my dang old massive condominium skyscraper, I would call it an dang old architectural marvel, and give those dang old tenants a dang old 90 percent discount on their dang old down payment. Then I would take those dang old tenants for a dang old ride with dang old massive condominium skyscraper “special assessments” dang old later. Later as in after they already gave me all my dang old money.
JOEY BRICK: Corporate agrees one hundred percent. They just approved a 90 percent discount on down payments. That means everyone is going to make some dang old big money on this massive condominium skyscraper whether or not it leans to the left or the right or center.
(JOEY BRICKS and ARTIE SHOVEL hug it out.)
JOEY BRICK: This why you and Old Bessie are our preferred contractors Artie!
[BLACKOUT]