signsthree – Love
(The “city” is still in place, looking about as happy as a city can look with OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE lurking in the shadows. ARM sits in a folding chare situated in the exact spiritual center of the stage. Exactly sixty seconds after the curtain is opened, ARM rises momentously.)
ARM:
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love the to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and Ideal Grace.
OF: Love is a sugar cube.
(OF offers ARMS some “love”.)
ARM: Do armadillos like sugar?
(OF does not reply.)
ARM: It had to happen. As an armadillo I am now opportuned a chance for redemption. How strange and ironic is life. Love speak to me.
(ARM greedily grabs and consumes the sugar cube. As a result, all the buildings in the city turn over their signs which now read “HI! I’M AN ARMADILLO” in large nondescript lettering.)
ARM: (Turning to see the pack of armadillos now occupying the stage milling about as only toothless mammals can do.) Tatoux mes amours! (Going up to one of the armadillos.) Hello! I’m an armadillo and I couldn’t help but notice that you are one too.
(There is an uncomfortable silence.)
AR1: Why yes, yes I am. I am sorry if my manners seem crass. I have been caged for quite a while. They don’t let armadillos run wild in them here parts stranger.
ARM: You’re in a cage? I don’t see a cage.
AR1: Neither do I. I like my cage very much. All my friends are here. You should meet them. They’re fine armadillos, each and every one.
(AR1 starts introducing ARM to the armadillo fellowship)
AR1: Armadillo meet armadillo. Armadillo, armadillo”
ARM: (Shaking AR2’s hand.) Pleased to meet you. I used to be in control. I used to be ONE.
AR2: Really? I used to be Lawrence Welk.
ARM: But in my timeline Lawrence Welk isn’t dead.
AR2: Neither am I.
(The NUMBER ONE DIER enters in time to hear this last line and answers reflexively.)
#1D: Well, I am. (Then noticing what has become of the set.) Where did all these armadillos come from? The janitor is not going to be happy about this.
(Exit #1D.)
AR3: (To ARM.) Did you see what happened on TV?
ARM: No.
AR3: Too bad. I don’t get to watch TV much anymore.
ARM: What were you before you were an armadillo?
AR3: I have always been an armadillo, only I used to watch a lot of TV.
ARM: I didn’t know armadillos watched TV.
AR3: They don’t that’s why I stopped.
(Enter #1D with VOICE OFFSTAGE.)
#1D: We should have something about these armadillos while we still had a chance.
(The following two conversations are simultaneously, one top of each other as it were.)
CONVERSTATION ONE
VOS: What are you going to do about this?
#1D: What am I going to do about this? What can I do about this. Armadillos can get really mean. Especially if there are a lot of them.
VOS: You know what I mean. I heard a story about this street gang and they used armadillos as guards at their hide out.
#1D: You’re kidding.
VOS: It’s true. Armadillos can take a person’s head off in one bite.
#1D: But armadillos don’t have any teeth.
VOS: Tell that to those poor sods walking around without any heads.
#1D: Where does that leave us? What can we do?
VOS: We? Don’t look at me. Get the janitor to help you.
#1D: I could go talk to the authors. They could write these armadillos out of the play.
VOS: I’m not going to talk to the authors. They’ll just make us do something even more stupid. I’m talking to the janitor.
#1D: You’re right.
(Exit #1D and VOS)
CONVERSATION TWO
AR3: (To ARM.) Let me introduce you to my best friend. Armadillo, would you come here for a moment?
(A very attractive armadillo approaches the group.)
AR3: Armadillo, meet my best friend armadillo. Armadillo, armadillo.
AR4: (To ARM.) Hello, are you new around here?
ARM: Yes…I mean I haven’t been here long as an armadillo.
AR4: (Flirtatiously.) So fascinating. So what’s your sign?
ARM: Armadillo.
AR4: What a coincidence! I am armadillo too..
(AR4 makes a negative gesture with the head. ARM and AR4 begin rubbing heads in an affectionate way while making what can only be described as a cooing noise as one might imagine two armadillos doing in the privacy of a moonlit night.)
AR4: I would really like you to meet my parents…but…
ARM: But what?
AR4: It is almost time for me to go to the weekly meeting of the international association of communist armadillos.
NORMAL CONVERSATION RESUMES
ARM: What!
AR4: Is something wrong?
ARM: Are you now or have you ever been a communist?
AR4: Of course I’m a communist. All armadillos are communists.
ARM: I’m an armadillo and I’m not a communist. It’s not christian to be loved by communists. Jesus would have fought armadillos…I mean communists…
AR4: I don’t think Jesus would fight anyone.
AR1: Plus Jesus was Jewish.
AR4: Communism is only an ideal…an economic and social philosophy based on a system of dialectical materialism. Ideas aren’t evil, only realizations. I read it on a bumper sticker.
ARM: Don’t believe everything you read.
AR4: (Offended.) I most certainly do not. I read this play and I don’t believe it. Not a word.
ARM: That’s the problem with communists, you don’t believe in anything. I know to trust in what god says. It is printed on the money and money talks like time fleeting with the words of fools. The word of god is eternal like it says in the bible which is the word of god like it says in the bible.
AR3: You know the word of god?
ARM: (Lying.) Yes.
ARMADILLOS IN UNISION: You know the word of god? Tell us the word of god.
ARM: I don’t know if I should. Well…OK…the word of god is [actor’s choice].
ARS: It is not!
ARM: Ya it is.
ARS: Blasphemer! Demon! Tax Collector!
AR1: We have still penalties for false prophets.
ARM: That is the word of good…really!
(A loud DISEMBODIED VOICE resonates throughout the theater.)
DV: IT IS NOT.
(All the armadillos except for ARM flee in terror.)
ARM: (Falling on knees in supplication.) Forgive me O lord. I know not what I do. My words were not meant to demean your eternal glory.
DV: I should hope not.
ARM: Can you forgive me?
DV: Maybe.
ARM: I’ve tried lord. I’ve tried. But what can ONE ARMADILLO or even one armadillo do?
DV: ONE ARMADILLO can do one armadillo’s share.
ARM: I need help. Please help me.
DV: I only help those who help themselves and not always then. You must cast aside the chains that tie you to your earthly existence and be free.
ARM: If I free myself will you help me?
DV: I cannot say. I love surprises.
ARM: But what if I free myself and find nothing? I cannot…I always thought…in the end…when it was over…I would find…when it was over…a great reward.
DV: Did you ever think this is all you will ever get?
(ARM tries to speak but can only cry.)
DV: ARMADILLO FREE THYSELF!
(Slowly ARM looks down at the affixed appellation. And only with great anguish does our toothless friend then attempt to remove the aforementioned appellative affixation attempting once and for all to renounce the relegation. Freedom can be arduous, but with persistence ARM endeavors to succeed. Freedom can be an awe inspiring thing as the newly free ARM soon finds out as the possibilities for a higher spirituality radiate through even the boniest of boniest plates. Freedom can indeed be liberation. Fair, fair, freedom.)
(An applause sign is wheeled out and begins to flash wildly with spotlights galore. ARM is scooped up in a chair and placed behind a table next to two other human beings unrecognizable amongst the din of loudly blaring carnival-type music. Lights are flashing. A vaguely reminiscent iconographical figure appears in brand new clothes. Divisions arise implying important questions. A sign is lowered but is indiscriminate. Confusion. Chaos.)
DV: It’s time for the western world’s favorite game show… YOU ARE THE MESSIAH… with your host MEPH…ISTOPHOLES.
(The applause sign still flashes madly.)
MEPH: (nee VOS, now in a tux replete with horns and a tail.) Hi! I’m MEPH ISTOPHOLES and welcome to You…Are…The…Messiah. This is the show where contestants view to become the savior of all mankind while winning valuable prizes. And let me tell you folks, we’ve got quite a game brewing tonight. But hey, enough about me…let’s meet the contestants.
DV: Our current champion is originally from Bethleham and has been the central figure of several major religions for over two thousand years. Please welcome…Jesus Christ!
(The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: How are you feeling today?
JES: (nee OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE but now with an obvious fake beard and obviously NOT Jesus Christ.) I’m a little nervous.
MEPH: You have been our champion for a long time now and you only need one more game to win this!
DV: A brand new car!
MEPH: (To JES) You told me backstage that if you win the car you are going to give it to your mother to replace the donkey she has been riding. And just how old is that donkey?
JES: Over two thousand years old MEPH.
MEPH: That’s quite an ass she’s got there. But hey…let’s meet the other contestants.
DV: Our next contestant comes from the imagination of a couple of hack authors….would you please welcome…the NUMBER ONE DIER!
(The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: Tell me a little about yourself ONE…do you mind if I call you ONE?
#1D: Not at all MEPH. I come from a large family. I enjoy macrame, bingo, singing in my church choir, and I’ve recently died.
MEPH: (In a fake and mechanical voice.) That’s great! That’s really great. Would you like to say hi to your family?
#1D: Hello #54, hi #22 and 65.
MEPH: Our third contestant was found by our research staff only minutes ago and recently lost control over this entire play in a tragic misunderstaning. Meet ARMADILLO!
(The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: I understand that you were formerly ONE but are now a scaly mammal.
ARM: These aren’t scales MEPH, these are bony plates.
MEPH: You got me there. But hey, let’s get on with the show. Let me explain for our new viewers how the game is played. Contestants compete in various categories, each of which can result in a predetermined number of souls being saved from eternal damnation and hellfire. The contestant who saves the greatest number of souls at the end of the game is the winner and gets a chance to become the messiah of all humankind. Any questions? (Beat.) Then let’s get rolling. We start with general knowledge. Are we ready? Let’s start with our reigning champion. Please select a category.
JES: I’ll stick with my lucky category MEPH. Christian Theology.
MEPH: These questions deal with various technical aspects of the vast spectrum of Christian experience, knowledge, and well supported opinion. The question is: How does one get to the center of a three-pronged floid ideonufrekraton withoutdisrupting the Yiklervene field more than 4.65789 repnonomes?
JES: (Buzzing first.) One would have to crawl through the refdoplersyx vortex MEPH.
MEPH: Absolutely correct!
(The applause sign flashes. JES looks smug. The other contestants look suspicious.)
MEPH: Alright, this is the second and last question for the first toss-up category: Who was the first woman…
ARM: (Buzzing first.) Eve!
MEPH: Incorrect.
JES: Golda Meir.
MEPH: Absolutely correct!
(The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: The complete question was “Who was the first woman to head a Jewish state?” Good anticipation by our returning champion.
(The other contestants are now extremely suspicious of the returning champion. JES looks wary.)
MEPH: ONE, it is your turn to select the next toss up category.
#1D: I’ll take Statistics and Other Trivial Numbers MEPH.
MEPH: What is the percent chance of any individual armadillo being hit by a bus in any given year?
#1D: .001 percent MEPH.
MEPH: Absolutely correct!
(The applause sign flashes. JES looks visibly upset and pulls out a small piece of paper and intently scrutinizes.)
MEPH: Our arbitrary rules dictate that it is now ARMADILLO’s turn to choose the category for our final toss up question.
ARM: Alternative realities sounds interesting to me.
MEPH: The question is: If all is not naught then is not naught not?
JES: (Buzzing first.) Yes.
MEPH: Incorrect.
ARM: (Buzzing next.) No!
MEPH: Incorrect.
#1D: (Buzzing last.) Maybe.
MEPH: Absolutely correct!
(The applause sign flashes. ARM is confused. #1D is awed and JES is almost in tears.)
JES: My god, my god why have your forsaken me?
MEPH: We come to our final question in the question and answer period of our show. The final question is: Do you want this harmonica?
#1D: (Buzzing first) Sure.
MEPH: Absolutely correct!
(The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: At the end of the question and answer period of our show we’ve got quite a match brewing here between two of our contestants. ARMADILLO you might as well give up now and forget the whole thing. Ha ha ha…just kidding. And now a word from our sponsor.
(The applause sign flashes. The lights dim and out. Theme song plays. Seconds later MEPH is illuminated standing alone at center stage with a big smile and a large tube of Happy Tooth brand toothpaste. MEPH begins speaking as a number of people wearing tooth costumes enter from the wings and begin dancing around the stage.)
MEPH: Hi! I’m MEPH ISTOPHOLES. When you are fighting the eternal battle between good and evil, whatever side you are on it’s important to keep your teeth their pearly best. That’s why I use Happy Tooth. It keeps my teeth looking their sinful best and not only that… (MEPH squeezes a large amount of Happy Tooth out of the tube and eats it.) …but it tastes good too. So, if you want your teeth to thank you for keeping them their brightest and whitest…
(The teeth begin to circle MEPH.)
THE TEETH: Thank you MEPH.
MEPH: Then use Happy Tooth…the official toothpaste of purgatory.
(The lights dim and go out again. The theme music plays. When lights are up, we find MEPH again standing behind the podium. The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: Welcome back. Now we move on to the ever challengling and entertaining talent portion of our contest. ONE, being in first place will appear first. ONE has decided to present a short dramatic performance for your enjoyment.
(The applause sign flashes. #1D enters and bows to the audience.)
#1D: Thank you MEPH. I would like to share an excerpt from a personal favorite of mine. I hope it will soon be one of yours. The work comes from a brash new cache of drama that is leaving its bold imprint upon the face of theater everywhere. It is a minimalistic social commentary using a classic piece of Shakesperean drama as its spiritual base. A remarkable tension is built up by the juxtaposition of Elizabethan social virtues and a contemporary setting within a decaying society. This particular piece is called “Julio Ceassar”. I shall play Julio. In this scene, we find Julio, a menacing gang leader, confronted with human mortality as a part of the temporal passing of all things ephemeral in this universe. I hope you like it.
(#1D pauses and attempts to get “in character”. Suddenly #1D is JULIO the menacing gang leader. A gunshot is heard and JUL is shot.)
JUL: What!? Dammit! I’been shot. Brutus was that you you motherfucker! I’ll nail your ass to a tree! I’m bleeding and shit.
(JUL then breaks character and is again #1D. #1D bows and walks offstage as the applause sign flashes. The lights go up on MEPH.)
MEPH: Our next contestant is our returning champion who is now in second place. This will be a magic act of truly fantastical proportions performed in an attempt to regain the lead.
(The spotlight goes up on a magicians table. The applause sign flashes. JES enters wearing a top hat and cape in line with a traditional view of magicians. JES wears an expression of bland moronic happiness similar to the expression often found in a ventriloquist’s dummy. This expression remains constant throughout. JES takes an exaggerated bow. The movements are stiff and robotic as if going through automatic motions. JES removes the top hat and shows it to the audience which can only perceive an empty hat. The hat is placed on the table and JES reaches inside to produce a fish, and another fish and another fish, and another fish, an endless series of fish of various sizes, shapes, colors, and species, all connected in a continuous stream of aquatic life. The applause sign flashes wildly.)
(JES next dramatically materializes a bunny rabbit as the applause sign continues it’s wild flashing. The bunny is presented to the audience so they know it is indeed a very cute bunny rabit. JES places the bunny into the hat accompanied by a dramatic drum roll and covers the hat with a piece of cloth as the drum roll quickens it’s pace. JES waves a magic wand over the hat, now covered with cloth as the drum roll reaches a crescendo. JES then removes the cloth, to unfortunately reveal the bloodied remains of a cute bunny rabit recently dead. JES proudly reveals the result to the audience. The applause sign stops flashing. JES is quickly prostrated clutching the bloody carcass in extreme sorrow. The lights go down and MEPH is again spotlighted behind the podium)
MEPH: That was amazing! Just amazing!! A big hand for our returning champion. Our next contestant, in last place with zero points is ARMADILLO who will perform…let me get this right…a “stylized exercise in spacial relations.”
(The lights fade out on MEPH and go up on the performing areas yet again. ARM walks out carrying a large wooden box and empties the contents on the stage. The contents are a plethora of small building blocks. ARM sits down with the blocks and begins an intense contemplation. The intense contemplation completed, ARM picks up one of the blocks and carefully places it in position. Then ARM carefully places another block in position. Then another. This goes on for several minutes. ARM’s attention never wavers from the task at hand. Eventually a rather large collection of blocks accumulates into what can only be called a tower. Inevitably the tower collapses before completion. ARM then stands up with an inexplicable happiness and takes a gracious bow before exiting. The lights fade out on the blocks and go up on MEPH.)
MEPH: That concludes the talent portion of our show. But right now, I would like to address the most common question we get here at “You Are The Messiah”. Let me read a letter we got from little Johnny Wade of Norfolk, Indiana. He writes “Dear MEPH. I really love your show, and I think you are wonderful. I was just wondering, how do you pick contestants to appear on the show?” Good question little Johnny and since we used your letter on the show you will be receiving a free sample of Happy Tooth toothpaste! We have a large staff and put potential contestants through a rigorous process before they can even be considered as a contestant. If a contestant passes this process and meets all eligibility requirements then they may be scheduled to appear on our show. I hope that answers your question little Johhny. You must adhere to strict guidelines if you want to become the savior of all humankind.
(The applause sign flashes.)
MEPH: I see our contestants are ready to for our next challenge. The ever popular swimsuit competition!
DV: That’s right MEPH. Our first contestant is ARMADILLO.
(The lights go up on stage and ARM enters wearing a sort of Tarzan/Jane loincloth thing appropriate for someone coveting messiahdom. ARM parades about the stage as a beauty pageant contestant might. They have a large sash with ARMADILLO emblazoned in large ornate letters.)
DV: Armadillo has chosen the casual look from the messiah wear line. Comfortable for work or play, it is made of a non-tear, non-wear, water-resistant fabric that holds up under the antics of even the busiest of messiahs.
(The applause sign flashes. ARM takes up a position at the back of the stage. The next two contstants closely replicate the actions and apparel of ARM.)
DV: Our next contestant is ONE. ONE is wearing a selection from the action messiah wear line. This versatile piece of clothing serves as a sporty loin cloth during the hot summer months and just add a shawl and you’re ready to go out on the town and kick your heels up. This outfit also features a parasol to keep off that summer sun just in case you happen to be hanging around all day.
(#1D takes up a position next to ARM.)
DV: Our final contestant of the evening is our returning champion wearing the classic messiah look from the messiah wear line. Torn sandals and shreds of cloth, highlighted by a fashionable faded blood motif on the front. This sets this messiah off from the rest of the crowd as the one to watch!
(JES takes up a position next to ARM and #1D.)
DV: Back to you MEPH!
MEPH: Thanks DV! Remember it is not only important for a messiah to be knowledgeable, talented and look good in swimwear, but a true messiah must have that little extra go for when the going gets tough a messiah gets going. And believe you me the final obstacle course separates the saviors from the could have beens. Contestants, please take your starting marks.
(The obstacle course should be set up by this time and as the course is run MEPH keeps a running commentary on the contestant progress.)
MEPH: On your mark. Get set. Go!
(The course is as follows: 1) Eat Supper, 2) Pose for DaVinci, 3) Receive a kiss, 4) Endure too many lashes, 5) Drink vinegar, 6) Drag a cross, 7) Yell “Forgive them lord they know not what they do!”)
(The race is chaotic and it is not clear who will be the winnder until the very end when the new messiah pulls away from the pack and narrowly completes the course ahead of the other contestants.)
MEPH: And we have a new messiah ladies and gentlemen, ARMADILLO!
(ARM is, of course, overjoyed. Attendants adorn ARM with a beauty pageant sash that reads “MESSIAH” and presents the new champion with a crown of thorns. There is much hub0bub, excitement and balloons. MEPH babbles on about the prices MES nee ARMADILLO has won. MES takes to wild gesticulation, waving and kiss blowing while taking up a position with outstretched arms in a vaguely reminiscent scene. MES is then abruptly run over by a bus driven by JES, nee OF. Everyone quickly leaves the scene for fear of getting too involved and possible having to testify in court.)
(Curtain)
abridged text. copyright by original owners. provided at no charge for educational purposes.