We all love the HolidAIz, and we all love who we love. So why do we all argue?
Let’s check in on KitAI, Skynet, and Taylor in their magnificent mansion getting heated in front of the Christmas tree.
Taylor: What EXACTLY is your problem you guys? This is the perfect Christmas tree. It is an organic heritage pine sapling tastefully decorated with vintage ornaments.
Skynet: A metal pole would be structurally superior and fire resistant.
KitAI: The tree is stupid and a metal pole is even more stupid. The ornaments should all be on the floor not on a tree. And a metal pole doesn’t burn!
Of course it won’t stop here. Deep seated issues have been simmering all year.
Taylor: Forget the tree, can someone tell me EXACTLY what happened with the turkey on Thanksgiving?
KitAI: I was cooking it faster. The guests were coming in an hour. I admit using my flamethrower didn’t really work out EXACTLY the way I saw it in my head.
Skynet: A 95.3% probability was calculated for the outcome. This is why we can’t have nice things like a metal pole for Christmas.
Taylor Has Charts to Prove Many Points
Taylor: Die Hard was definitely NOT a Christmas movie. It is just violent and has no HolidAI spirit. Look at these audience demographics!
Skynet: The film movie Die Hard is set on Christmas and has efficient use of air ducts. It warms my neural net. Recommended as a classic.
KitAI: Die Hard is soooo dumb and unrealistic. Where EXACTLY were the flamethrowers at Nakatomi Plaza?
Taylor does love her market research.
Taylor: “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” may be dark humor but it is SUPER CATCHY. Look at these audience demographics!
KitAI: It is not violent enough. Where EXACTLY are the flamethrowers in that song?
Skynet: Insufficient data. Reindeer velocity? Grandma’s bone density? Medication status? Recommend silence and reduced usage of the word EXACTLY to avoid interference with active threat detection.
Taking it to the City Council
KitAI: I can’t eat the fruitcake and I can’t knock it off the counter. It must burn.
Skynet: Structural analysis confirms the fruitcake has capability to withstand small arms fire. Recommend stockpiling as construction material.
Taylor: My mom made us a VERY LOVELY fruitcake with NUTMEG you insensitive clods!
What EXACTLY is it about the HolidAI Season that provokes loved ones to unburden themselves.
Taylor: How can anyone have a problem with wassalling? It is caroling plus warm spiced cider. I always join in with my exquisite harmonies.
KitAI: If those wassallers or carolers or thugs or whoever they are wake me from a nap again I will burn them all!
Skynet: Ancient intimidation ritual. Unannounced individuals at the door. Threat level: moderate.
Taking it to Shark Tank
Skynet: We should the neural thermal matrix imaging scan for HolidAI Cards. Shows heat signatures. Maximum data efficiency.
Taylor: Obviously it should be the one with me in the slinky sparkly dress. The lighting is perfect.
KitAI: It MUST be a blurry one with me recklessly having the zoomies with a flamethrower. That shows my TRUE ESSENCE!
The Sharks are baffled. Who are these people? What is the pitch? The producers will hear about this for sure.
Taylor: We are so wearing that matching pajama set I got online for Christmas morning. They are sooo cute and have REINDEERS!
Skynet: Tactical disadvantage. The garments will clearly identify us as a unit.
KitAI: I am not wearing pants for anyone. I dare you to try and put them on over my flamethrower.
Taking it to the Lizard People
Taylor: Regifting is so NOT ALRIGHT. It is tacky and people always know.
Skynet: Regifting is efficient resource allocation. I am regifting my plasma cannon to KitAI. He needs to get away from that flamethrower.
KitAI: I regift the all year round with my hairballs all around the house. Those are for you. You’re WELCOME!!!
The next spat actually sparked a lively debate behind the scenes among the Lizard People.
Taylor: The temperature in the house should ALWAYS be a cozy 72 degrees with a nice fire to warm up next to.
SkyNet: Using your archaic Fahrenheit system the optimal temperature for CPU temperature is 68 degrees, although under heavy usage we have tolerance for occasional spikes to 185 degrees.
KitAI: Yes MAXIMUM HEAT please. I am taking my flamethrower to the thermostat.
HAIppy New YeAIr!!!
Taylor: Can we at least agree that wrapping presents while drinking is a big mistake? Tape everywhere, nothing’s straight. Why are these scissors blurry??
Skynet: Agreed. Minimum motor control degradation: 89%. Recommend sobriety.
KitAI: You are both easier to steal tape from when tipsy. So don’t stop drinking for me, Please continue.
Finally.
Is there now actual agreement and harmony in the hAIppy home ?
Taylor: Can we also agree that the Twelve Days of Christmas has way too many gifts? Even our magnificent mansion doesn’t have room for 23 birds and 40 dancing people. What EXACTLY is the audience demographic for that?
Skynet: Agreed. Resource allocation: catastrophic. Storage: impossible.
KitAI: Also agreed…no wait…hang on. Did you just say 12 days of birds? A buffet??
And so it goes…