signstwo – An Error
(The curtain rises. ARMADILLO nee ONE is sleeping next to a building in the “city” now sitting looking bored. The city looks about as happy as a city an look with OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE lurking in the shadows. The #1 DIER sits in a folding chare situated in the exact spiritual center of the stage reading a newspaper and finishing off the last few kernels of a box of popcorn seemingly oblivious to the highly circumstantial environment that is the opening of the second act. Exactly 60 seconds after realizing the implications of the present situation, #1D rises momentously.)
#1D:
Call me Ishmael.
Why? Because Ishmael is my name. It is the name my parents gave me. What is in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. An Ishmael alternatively appellated would have a remarkably similar odor. To the Ishmael that is, not the rose. This play is about murder, but when all is said and done is not murder only a name, a very smelly name?
(OF looking very annoyed begins to stalk #1D from behind.)
#1D: But what does it mean, what does it really mean?
ARM: (Awake and confused.) What? Where am I. Oh no. NO! I’m lost. LOST! (To OF.) Where am I?
(OF does not answer.)
ARM: (To #1D) Please tell me where I am.
#1D: You’re in a city. Next to a building.
ARM: Where?
#1D: In a play.
ARM: Oh. (Realizing the predicament.) Oh! I don’t want to be an armadillo. It’s embarrassing. I don’t know what an armadillo is… exactly…
#1D: An identity crisis?
ARM: It may not seem like much to you. At least you know who you are. You are dead.
#1D: You just need a little definition, and I know just the thing for that. Webser’s New World Dictionary. Let’s see…arious…arkose…armada…here it is…armadillo…well what do you know. You’re a noun. What’s more you are any number of related toothless burrowing mammals of Texas and Central America, having an armorlike covering of bony plates…
(#1D begins attacking ARM with the dictionary. ARM assumes a fetal position.)
ARM: Stop! Stop! What are you doing? I don’t want to be a noun!
#1D: (Stopping) The book said that armadillos can roll themselves into a ball when attacked. I was just testing. This proves you’re an armadillo.
ARM: Was there a picture?
#1D: Let me find it.
ARM: (Looking at the picture). You see. I knew there was something wrong. That picture looks nothing like me.
#1D: Maybe a little around the eyes.
(They both look at the picture some more.)
ARM: I’m not exactly attractive.
#1D: “Beauty is only skin deep.”
ARM: But I only have scales.
#1D: I think they are bony plates.
ARM: I never believe what they say. They are not as reliable as most people think. And I don’t think I am an armadillo.
#1D: Your sign says you’re an armadillo and that’s good enough for me. If you don’t like it, talk to god.
ARM: Where is god?
#1D: You want to know where god is? God is everywhere.
ARM: Where is god right now?
#1D: I saw someone who looked a lot like got trying to get free ju-ju bees at the concession stand at intermission. Why do you want to find god?
ARM: It may not seem like much to you. You know what you are. You’re dead.
(ARM suddenly breaks down in tears. #1D is struck with something, maybe pity, and tries to comfort the poor creature.)
AUDIENCE PLANT: (Rising to speak.) Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. This makes no sense. For a brief moment I thought there was a chance you would pull this “play”, and I use the term very loosely, out of the toilet. I now see that I was wrong. The authors of this play have no respect for their audience and by your participation in this debacle it is also clear to me now that none of you have any respect for anything. I will no longer stand this abuse. I should have left earlier. I would ask for my money back but I refuse to dignify my departure with such trivia. But if you could possibly arrange for the time I have wasted here tonight to be returned to me in full, I would be more than grateful. Good night.
(AP walks out of the theater, possibly with other people wearing signs like “HI! I’M THE AUDIENCE PLANT’S PARTNER”, “HI! I’M THE AUDIENCE PLANT’S DOG”, or “HI! I’M THE AUDIENCE PLANT’S PODIATRIST” etc., etc.)
#1D: (Sniffs.) Do you smell something burning? (Sniffs again.) I smell something burning. I better find something burning before the phone company gets mad at me.
(#1D walks offstage.)
ARM: Don’t leave me. I’ve tried.
(SECURITY nee DISTRAUGHT PERSON bursts in from the back of the theater wearing no sign. SEC walks purposefully onto the stage.)
SEC: OK buddy. SECURITY here. Somebody called.
ARM: That was in the first act.
SEC: I get a lot of calls. Let me see a copy of your artistic license.
ARM: But we’ve got a play to do here.
SEC: Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t care nothing for no play. If I say you have to show me your artistic license then you had better show me your artistic license.
ARM: I must have it here somewhere. Say, don’t I know you from somewhere?
SEC: I used to be a herring. Were you ever a herring?
ARM: No never. (ARM begins rummaging around for the license.) Don’t they run background checks on you all?
SEC: My herringness was not well publicized.
ARM: Are you threatening me?
SEC: No. I am delivering a message.
(SEC hands ARM a piece of paper. ARM reads it.)
ARM: It’s a message from god. Armageddon is nigh. All should prepare to be judged according to divine law valid in all states except where prohibited with all other rights and restrictions.
(SEC grabs the piece of paper back from ARM.)
SEC: That isn’t for you,
(SEC pulls out another piece of paper. for ARM to read)
SEC: This is for you.
ARM: (After reading.) I knew it. Someone get me a copy of the script.
(OF, looking disgusted, relents.)
ARM. Some help you’ve been. (ARM looks through script.) I knew it. None of this is in the script. You are all making the whole thing up. What is wrong with you people!
#1D: (From offstage) You were asleep. We started without you.
ARM: You could have woken me up.
(There is a long silence.)
ARM: Okay, fine. (To the audience.) We are just going to start this act all over again. I don’t know what to say. (To the production.) What is wrong with you people?
(ARM exits the stage with SEC following behind.)
(Curtain.)
abridged text. copyright by original owners. provided at no charge for educational purposes.